Women, keep breaking up with John Mayer

Sorry John. I know we're best friends, but there was no better way to say it. It's not because I'm envious. I know you take home every gorgeous girl on the face of the planet. I'm not even asking you to toss an Olsen Twin or something my way. I'm cool. The reason for my ill wishes stems from my brilliant theory that you write your best songs when one of these girls has her run with you.

Mind you, some of the following songs aren't all the way sad, some are hopeful. That's fine. You still have to have your heart broken to get hopeful, so let's hit it!

From "Room for Square's"

• Not Myself
• Love Song for No One
• St. Patrick's Day

From "Heavier Things"

• Clarity
• Something's Missing
• Split Screen Sadness
  

From "Continuum"

• Gravity
• Stop This Train
• Dreaming with a Broken Heart
• In Repair
• I'm Gonna Find Another You

Continuum was the mother-freaking load. Seriously. However, some of the songs get obvious about what they're about. Frankly, I half expect the next song he writes to be, "No, really, I'm really fucking sad." And you know what? It will be GOLD.

But you know what, John? It's okay. Because another A-Lister puts your album on her iPod, and sees you as a giant teddybear that needs to be hugged. Good for you. I hope you get on TMZ for a bit, and then I hope that she calls your hair "too curly." Let it sink in. Get angry... but then, get sad. Because frankly, I need it.

You can hear the best solos on Continuum. Like your guitar is dreaming with a broken heart too. It's bone-chillingly perfect. I could listen to the "Dreaming" solo at 2:20 on continuous loop.

"In Repair?" Genius. Keep that Allman Brother's stuff up. Take that pain out on your guitar because you know that I appreciate it.

So to sum it up. Ladies, please PLEASE keep breaking this man's heart. He needs it.

We need it too.